Navigating through this breastfeeding journey hasn’t been easy. It’s a learning experience. Exclusively pumping was not what I intended to do. I planned for a combination of nursing and bottle feeding. Unfortunately, my plans were cut short. Continue reading to learn about my experience and why I chose to exclusively pump!
My baby and I had a great first feeding during the “golden hour.” She fed for an hour with about thirty minutes on each breast. Our nurse suggested that we allow my baby to feed for as long as she was still hungry. Our latch was spot on and it was going well. Baby V knew just what to do. However, it became difficult. My nipples were flat, so I had to use a nipple shield. This helped my baby feed better, but feedings started to take longer over the next several days after birth. Not to mention, she wasn’t gaining any weight.
My partner, our baby and I met with lactation consultants (LC) three times after our hospital stay to measure and track Baby V’s weight. At our first visit, she didn’t gain any weight. She was still below her birth weight. We fed for about thirty minutes on one breast, then our LC measured how much she took in. She wasn’t taking in the recommended amount. I asked if it would be beneficial to use a bottle and offer pumped breast milk instead. Our LC didn’t think we should start with a bottle due to the risk of nipple preference and lack of milk production. She suggested that we nurse first, then finish with finger feeding with colostrum containers and a syringe. We tried that method, but it didn’t work for us.
At our second visit, we had a different LC. She was more open and provided further guidance than the first. I felt that the first LC was only doing her job by needing to track my baby’s weight for our pediatrician, then handed us off to another LC. It was different with our second LC this time around. Baby V still hadn’t gained any weight. Her weight remained the same since the first visit. We fed again for about thirty to forty minutes on one breast, but she didn’t take enough in.
We discussed how feedings were going, how my baby’s bowel movements were like, and other concerns we had. Our LC listened to it all and provided feedback. It caught me by surprise when she asked about my well-being too. She genuinely cared and wanted to help. We couldn’t exactly pinpoint why Baby V wasn’t gaining weight or eating enough. Her latch was great and I was producing enough, if not more, milk. We assumed that my baby would get tired during feedings but would still be hungry. That’s why feedings took longer than usual. She would wake up to continue feeding, then sleep, and repeat. It was as if she was using more calories to feed than gain any. Again, I suggested that we use a bottle. This way, it would help my baby feed better and take in more. It would also allow us to measure how much she’s getting and ensure that she’s eating. Our LC thought it was a great suggestion. She advised me to nurse first then finish with a bottle. Still, that didn’t work for us.
My partner and I decided that it would be best to give our baby pumped breast milk with a bottle. I was stressed and anxious about whether or not she was getting enough milk. I felt so bad for our baby girl because she was working so hard to eat. If I could make things easier for her, then why not do it? Additionally, I was tired from the constant feedings and pumping. It took a big toll on me mentally and physically. So much so that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. Feeding with a bottle allowed my partner to help too, which was great!
Our baby responded well to the bottle and drank all of the milk, to the last drop! Furthermore, she had an increase in bowel movement so it was a good sign. We went for our third and last appointment to see our LC before seeing our pediatrician. Baby V was gaining weight and doing better overall. I felt relieved!
This experience wasn’t what I expected or planned. It was hard. I kept feeling like I was failing my daughter and like I wasn’t doing enough. I knew I was producing enough milk. Breast milk was always leaking during and after my pregnancy. I was also pumping at least two to three ounces with each breast in one session. I’d massage my breasts as Baby V fed. I looked up ways to increase my milk supply and how to help my baby. However, it wasn’t enough. As much as I wanted to nurse my baby, I had to face the truth that I wouldn’t be able to. Feeding my daughter and keeping her comfortable was more important. That’s why I’ve chosen to exclusively pump.
Exclusively pumping still allows me to offer Baby V my breast milk, but from the bottle. It helped me regain my strength during recovery because I was able to sleep more and worry less. As I mentioned earlier, my partner can feed her too. Exclusively pumping has its own challenges though, which I’ll share about in depth in a separate post. I hated having to stay by the wall to plug in my breast pump every two to three hours. Pumping took up many hours of my day. I felt like I could’ve gotten more done being mobile. In addition, being stuck to the wall made it difficult to soothe my daughter in the way she needed, like walking around. Nonetheless, I found a way to make my breast pump portable and it’s changed everything!
Finding a support system was incredibly important for me, especially as this journey can be isolating. Finding the right people makes a big difference as well. Early in my experience, as I explain above, I felt so much pressure from people. Why wasn’t I feeding my child enough? Was I starving my child? Is my breast milk even good for my baby? Am I producing enough? I was already feeling like a failure and it seemed like others’ thoughts confirmed it, even though it was probably just out of love. I kept questioning myself and wanted to give up. I spoke about my worries with my partner and he was very supportive. He reassured me that I was doing well and that we’d figure it out as we went. Baby V was already feeding better too. Not only did I turn to my partner, I turned to family and friends who’ve breastfed as well. I felt comforted. I appreciated having these conversations with those who understood me.
It’s still a challenge to discuss breastfeeding, especially with individuals who don’t know much about it and already have negative opinions on it. It seems like people don’t understand why I choose to breastfeed or doubt the benefits of breast milk. Moreover, people think it’ll be hard to feed our child while we’re out of the house or that no one would want to babysit. Even so, I’d at least appreciate being respected for my decision in breastfeeding. I’ve learned to let what others have to say go. I’ve been outspoken about my choice and have been stern regardless of what anyone else thinks. I’ve always known what it is that I want and what’s best for my baby.
This isn’t to say that there aren’t people who support breastfeeding or that it’s extremely difficult! There’s an entire community of people who’s going through or have gone through this journey. There are others who haven’t, but still encourage it as well. It felt lonely at first and it can still feel like that at times, but having these people in my life makes it easier. It’s amazing and helpful to see and hear about someone else’s experience. Although breastfeeding can have its moments, it’s truly rewarding! I love being able to provide breast milk for my baby. It’s also a very beautiful thing to know what your body is capable of.
I’ve accomplished over two months of feeding my daughter with breast milk and we’re still going strong! Although I miss our nursing sessions, I’m still glad I’m able to feed her with my breast milk as I intended to. It’s only the beginning, but I’m looking forward to what else is in store!
