Suddenly it’s January and I’m not 16 anymore. I haven’t been 16 in ten years.
Ten Years: Past, Present, Future
If you would’ve asked me ten years ago where I thought I would be, it wouldn’t be here. If you ask me now where I think I would be in ten years, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I used to follow a strict plan. I’ve learned in the last ten years that plans don’t always go exactly as you think and life/you change, or evolve, as I like to say. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m glad to be where I am and who I am.
In the last five years, I grieved this life that I imagined for myself and a version of myself I wouldn’t get to meet. I thought about the “what ifs” often. What if I didn’t commit to a person so early? What if I didn’t have kids just yet? What if I had gotten a big girl job right after college? What if I moved out of state?
By no means does this mean I regret my choices or lifestyle. Again, I was someone who stuck with a plan. If I didn’t see it through, I didn’t have anything else to rely on. My original plans flew right out the window as I learned more about myself and what life has to offer. So where did that lead me? To many adventures. But that’s a story for another day. Today we talk about what has been on my mind for the last five years. The what ifs, and how I moved on.
Thinking of the What Ifs
Some people, like my partner, don’t think about the what ifs. He’s a true optimist and believes in focusing on what’s current. Why think about something that can’t or won’t happen? Give that energy into the moments happening now. For this, I’m grateful. Although he may not completely understand me for my ways of thinking (no one could), he tries and most importantly, he brings me back to reality. I can get lost in my thoughts and he guides me towards the exit.
I don’t think it’s bad to think about the what ifs, so long as I’m not dwelling over it. It’s given me space to reflect, to ask myself some serious questions. Mainly, who am I and what do I want? What do I see in the next ten years?
For the last five years, I felt behind people my age. I wasn’t having experiences that many 20-something year olds were having. Yet, I felt like I was moving more quickly too. I had a partner and kids at 21. I didn’t feel like I connected to anyone. I mean, I barely connected to myself.
I thought of the what ifs because I compared my life to the life I’d planned. Remember? I didn’t have anything to rely on if I didn’t have a plan. And I didn’t have any plans. I was simply trying to survive another day.
Ever listen to Adele’s “Easy on Me?” It explains perfectly how I feel.
Moving On
I had to accept my life for what it is. I had to learn to make the most of it and find my way, to make new plans (cue, my partner’s mindset). I recognized that I was holding myself back, trying to reach expectations I’d set ten years ago with different circumstances and being a different person.
I didn’t have to fit any one square, any one model or age. I am me. I am meant to be where I am. If I wasn’t 100% content now, I wouldn’t be with the what ifs.
Since acknowledging this, I’ve been at peace. Entering 2026, I didn’t feel any different. It was another day. Typically I’d have goals, change habits, or have something to look forward to. For once, I feel like I don’t have to measure up to my old expectations or plans. I don’t have to make any new ones either. I’m living. And for what seemed like forever, I was existing.
