This piece is one that I’ve only thought about. I didn’t imagine putting my thoughts down on paper. However, with the recent passing of a loved one and thoughts on self-reflection with the new year, I wanted (more like needed) to release what’s been on my mind. Here’s my take on life and death, as a parent, with living parents.
Please read this blog with caution as it does contain topics relating to life and death. These are my thoughts and feelings, as well as my own experiences. I speak for only myself. In addition, I mean no harm by this piece. Thank you for reading.
My Take On Death As A Parent
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I came across a video explaining how afraid a woman was as she thought about her own death. She said that she hadn’t been afraid of death until she had a child. That hit for me because the more I thought about it, the more it rang true.
I had certain difficulties as a young adolescent that made me think about what it would’ve been like had I not been on Earth anymore. It’s not that I didn’t care about the people around me or the aftermath of the choice (happily not taken), I didn’t necessarily care for myself at that point in my life. However, when I gave birth to my daughter, death easily became one of my scariest fears.
I began thinking about what it would be like if my daughter and future kids didn’t have me. It’s a daunting feeling. Would they struggle – emotionally, mentally, financially, physically? I couldn’t bring myself to confront those thoughts. Nonetheless, I knew they’d be well taken care of.
As a parent, I want to be in my children’s lives for as long as I can be. I don’t think that’s something I really thought about until I became a parent, specifically a young parent. I was 21 when I was pregnant. While my partner and I discussed starting a family, we certainly didn’t expect to have a little one so soon. Regardless, I’m thankful we had our daughter when we did.
Everyday I get to see and be part of Valkyrie’s growth. Her personality’s shining through. I’m an important part of her life, in influencing who she is and who she becomes. I’m happy I had her at 22, because I’d like to believe that I have even more time with her… and maybe one day, her own children.
* Please note, I sincerely do care about my life as well as for myself. I’m not in the same mindset or environment as I was twelve years ago. I’m grateful for each day, especially because of how I felt in those early stages of becoming a teen. Overcoming the challenges I’ve faced then has molded me into who I am today, and I’m blessed.
My Take On Life As A Parent
As I mentioned previously, I get to see Valkyrie’s growth. That growth comes in many forms. It’s troublesome, fun, exciting, nerve-wracking, scary, but all still so beautiful. And that’s life. I literally created and carried life inside me, delivered this life, and have the privilege to experience life with this bundle of life herself.
Valkyrie shows me more to life than I could receive anywhere else. While it’s great to see the viewpoints of life from a parent’s perspective of providing and caring, all while being true to who we are, there’s something extraordinary about seeing the viewpoint of life from the eyes of a little girl you carried inside you. She’s experiencing things for the first time and it makes me feel as though I’m experiencing it for the first time too.
Not to mention, having a child makes me want to live my life to the fullest. I want to do all the things I desire. I want to live, not just exist. I want to be here, at this moment. I want my daughter and future children to say, “Hey, if mom can do it, we can too.” I want them to follow their dreams, to be unafraid and unapologetic to be who they are. And I hope that I can be the one to show them that.
Simply looking at my daughter reminds me how effortless life can be. There’s no significant worry or stress. There’s no deadline or errand to run. There’s no other person(s) involved or matter to think about. There’s nothing, but that nothing’s absolutely something. And honestly, this reminder is quite familiar. It’s how my parents make me feel too.
My Take On Death As A Parent, With Parents
My parents have always looked out for our (mine and my siblings’) best interests. They’ve always kept us in mind. For instance, my dad told us a story about how he and my mom could join others’ for a meal at a restaurant, but instead he’s always chosen to come home to us. He’d rather we share a meal, than spend the money to eat with others. My interpretation of that, while I think it’s okay if they had gone out, is that he wanted to experience it with us. He wanted us to eat too.. I mean he obviously can’t let us starve (laughs). In all seriousness though, he’s always thought about us.
When I called to tell him that I was pregnant, I was actually extremely worried. Of course in telling him, but not so much of that, more of the fact that I wasn’t in a financially stable position to be a parent. My dad, being the best girl dad, assured me that I was going to be fine. He said that if he and my mom could do it, we could too. No parent truly knows what they’re doing, but they manage to get through. In order to become financially stable, we needed to be sure to save enough for the next day. What we’ve saved will build up over time.
Another piece he mentioned was that he and my mom will always be there to help, that luckily they’re still alive to help. Maybe I was too caught up in my emotions, but here I am two years after that phone call, realizing just what he said. They’re still alive to be here for me, for us.
Now that I’m older and a parent, I’ve noticed just how much older my parents and grandparents have gotten too. I always saw my grandparents as grandparents, in the years of 50-60. Then, I always saw my parents as parents, in the years between 20-40. Well, I recently turned 24. I’m where my parents and grandparents were at one point, the point that I saw growing up. In addition, I now understand that being a parent isn’t all there is to, well, a parent.
Like I mentioned before, I’m happy that Valkyrie was born when she was. She gets so much more time with my parents and grandparents. While we live further away from my hometown, every visit, every video chat, and every phone call is a gift. I love seeing my parents with my daughter. It’s as if they’ve become parents all over again… Especially since Valkyrie looks a lot like me when I was younger!
However, realizing how much older we’re all getting makes me scared too. What would I do without my parents or grandparents when they’re all I’ve ever known? Having my own child and truly recognizing this part of life’s evolution puts life itself into perspective. Time, experiencing it as a first-time parent, with parents, can be difficult to beat. Time goes by too quickly.
My Take On Life As A Parent, With Parents
Valkyrie’s approaching 21 months. Yup, my baby girl’s almost two! I’ve seen just how fast time can be with only the first year of her life. One moment she’s learning to sit or roll over, and now she’s running! All within a year! Her facial features are changing. Her characteristics are changing. Her personality’s changing. C’mon, even her clothing size and diaper size is changing! What happened to those nights when we’d wake to change her newborn diapers and feed, from my breast? It seems like forever ago, but it really wasn’t.
I wonder if that’s how my parents feel about my siblings and I. Suddenly their girls have all grown up. We no longer need our hands held, shoes tied, hair brushed, or laundry folded. When was the last time anyway? When was the last time I held my parents’ hands, had my shoes tied, hair brushed, or laundry folded? Those last times can be a heartbreaker for a parent.
My parents have provided, and continue to provide, me one of the greatest loves. They love me unconditionally. I may not have always understood it in the past, but now I do. The situations, events, and the work they’ve gone through to get me to where I am today must not have always felt light. I’m sure it must’ve felt heavy too. And for that, I wish I knew what I know now the heaviness they must’ve endured.
They literally gave me life and it didn’t stop when I was born. They offered me what life was about – the highs and the lows. They furnished my upbringing with experiences and memories. They did what any amazing parent could do with their capabilities.
I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for this life. Quite honestly, this short section of this entire piece doesn’t justify just how grateful I am. Even so, I don’t think I could find the right or enough words to express my gratitude.
It’s because of the life that my parents gifted me that I’m able to give it to my daughter. She is another eminent love in my life, and there’s no greater blessing that I wish for her than life itself. I’ll offer what life’s about – the highs and the lows. I’ll furnish her upbringing with experiences and memories. I’ll do what any amazing parent can do with their capabilities. I won’t stop providing for her life, like my parents do for me.
