For the last three years, before our daughter was even born, we received the question, “Are you trying for another one soon?” all the time. Here’s my answer.
March 2024
Before I continue to write, here’s my intention – I’m writing this because I want to journal this journey. Whether or not I decide to share this in the future, I’m writing this for myself. This piece is for me. This is my experience. I speak for myself. This is a difficult topic in many ways, for many reasons. That’s why I want to write it down. This way I can process, look back, and remember.
So, here we are. A year into trying for another baby. Let’s start at the beginning.
April 2023
Shiina and I discussed having another child, seriously considering it this time. Shiina had mentioned trying before, but I was quick to say no. While I was hesitant this time around, it made sense to try. We didn’t know if we’d get pregnant right away. Even then, we’d have nine months before birth. Most importantly, we knew we wanted more and we wanted them close in age.
Why was I hesitant? I wasn’t healed. My pregnancy and postpartum with Valkyrie was tough for me, probably the hardest experience I’d experienced psychologically and physically. I was frustrated throughout my pregnancy because I felt all the symptoms. After giving birth, I didn’t feel like myself which you can read more about here.
I wasn’t exactly ready to have another one. However, I knew I was going to get there.
[Today] I’m there. I’m ready. I have been.
June 2023
I received another negative pregnancy test and this is when I started to feel sad about it. It’s like looking forward to something and that something doesn’t happen. While processing this, I had a conversation with Shiina’s stepmom and I’m happy we did. I expressed to her that we’d recently started trying and I was sad, scared.
She talked about what it was like having her kids, how it was like being pregnant, planning, and having kids close in age. She has six children, two boys and four girls. Stepmom thought that her fourth was going to be a boy, but she ended up having a girl (one boy, three girls so far)! They thought they’d stop after having two boys and two girls. This caught them by surprise. So, they kept trying for another boy and luckily, their next one was a boy. Their last child is a girl, and she was more of a surprise in general (laughs).
Stepmom shared all of this with me to say that we’ll have many more children, boy or girl, if we keep trying. And while it can be tiring to have kids close in age (on the mind and body), it’s worth it. One day it’ll be quiet and she knows she’ll miss her children. Not to mention, the sex of the baby will always be a surprise, so in essence, just keep trying.
July 2023
“Do you think you would’ve had a boy? (as my first born)”
It didn’t matter to me what I had first, or what sex I’ll have in the future, as a matter of fact.
“I don’t think you would have, or will have, because there’s so many girls in your family.” Coming from someone who doesn’t know my family, who supposedly has become my new family, and who’s expecting a boy that evidently didn’t want children yet. Ouch. That hurt.
This specific interaction brought back a lot of pain for me regarding my parents trying for another child, specifically a boy. You can read a bit about it here in my piece, A Letter to My Brother.
As someone trying to get pregnant, I now understand what my parents must’ve experienced. People telling them, us, to keep trying because we’re young, questioning when it’ll happen, if it’s happening, and more. Not to mention, the doubt and the pressure.
Coming from a family of three girls, I never truly felt enough – for others, and well, for my parents. I saw their faces when others questioned them. I felt their pain when they experienced miscarriages. I heard their silence. I walked through it, and I didn’t want that for myself, or for my daughter. She will always be enough. I will always be enough. And it took me some time to understand that.
This interaction brought something out of me that I thought I’d passed a long time ago, but I never did. I never did talk about what it felt like to not have a brother or to see my parents in pain from the loss of unborn children. I didn’t talk about what it was like to be a girl growing up in a man’s world. I didn’t speak a word about how it felt being a mother, experiencing what my mother had.
It hurt. I was hurting.
August 2023
Is my period late?! This might be it! Let’s test to see if I’m pregnant.
No, I’m not pregnant. I’m only missing my period…
September 2023
I’m not getting my period again. What’s going on? I think it’s time to schedule an appointment with a doctor.
[Late September] I get my period right before seeing the doctor!
October 2023
I went to see a doctor. She explained to me that my body was trying to regulate itself after having a baby and breastfeeding. We did several tests and the results were normal. There was nothing that stood out to her.
She suggested we continue trying to conceive naturally before we discuss further options. By the time it’s a year or a little over the year mark, that’s when we’ll talk again. That’s what we, Shiina and I, wanted too.
Turns out, I missed my period this month as well.
November 2023
I can feel you kicking. Oh, how I missed that feeling. I loved feeling your older sister’s kicks and I missed the baby bump. It’s so crazy how as soon as your sister was born, the bump was nearly gone. No one kicked me anymore, unless we’re talking about sleep, then your sister still kicks me (laughs). But, here you are.
How lucky am I to have you. Your sister will finally have someone else other than me and Dada to play with. She won’t be lonely. Mama and Dada won’t be lonely either. We’ll have you two to keep us busy! (And hopefully more siblings!)
As I follow your movements with my hand, I think about who you’ll be like. Will you be like me? Like Dada? Your sister? Who will you look like? I can’t wait to meet you. I know you’re perfect the way you are.
I woke up and realized it was only a dream. It wasn’t real. The bump wasn’t real. The kicks weren’t real. You, you weren’t real. But this dream of having you? It couldn’t be any more real.
December 2023
Contractions? I’m pregnant?! Here we go again!
Wait, I’m pregnant?! I’m not pregnant. Why am I pushing?
I wake up, scared that I’ve actually pushed. But I’m not even pregnant…
May 2024
The night before our trip to Florida, I took a hCG test and it had two lines! Two! I took another and didn’t see any lines. I took one more and saw one line. What could it be?
I was so happy. We were so happy. After months and months of trying, we had two lines! On our way to Florida, we didn’t lose hope. We imagined what it would’ve been like as a family of four. We only needed a pregnancy test to confirm!
While on our trip, I took two tests… where they both clearly said “Not Pregnant.” It hurt. It really did. What we imagined and actually talked about for the first time in a long time had to wait a little longer.
July 2024
I had a dream last night about my grandma telling me that I was pregnant. I took several tests and they were positive. However, it was only a dream. My period would come several days after.
We really tried last month, right on and around ovulation day, according to the ovulation strips I’ve been testing with. I felt good about it this time around. As we’d find it, we had the same results as the months prior.
A loved one thought I was pregnant. She even touched my stomach and asked, “How are you feeling?” I was confused, and so was she. She’d mistaken me for someone else who was pregnant. During this same day, I could tell others were wondering if I was pregnant too. They’d look at my dress and whisper to each other, asking if I was carrying.
October 2024
I visited an acupuncturist today. We spoke about my concerns on conceiving and all the emotions that came with it. I’d never said this out loud before, but for the first time, I did.
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my body?”
Once that came out, a bunch of tears did as well.
Having conceived before, much easier than expected, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it again – or well, just get my menstrual cycle to regulate (it’d never been regular in the first place, to note). I felt like I was failing, that my body was failing. What else can I do? What’s wrong? Is something wrong with me? How has my body changed?
I know it isn’t just my body that could’ve changed. It could be my partner’s, or both of ours. But I couldn’t help thinking something was wrong with me, because I wasn’t getting my periods regularly.
My acupuncturist, gazing at me, comforted me in the ways I couldn’t have known I needed. Not only was she understanding, she’d stopped taking notes as soon as I’d spoken, directed her body towards me as she sat in her chair, and simply listened. After I finished talking, she validated my feelings and told me nothing was wrong with me or my body. She explained that my body may have changed and needed time to readjust. She’d mentioned her own personal experience and provided advice.
After we talked, she performed the service and I left feeling relieved, as if I was finally letting go of the negatives that were holding me down.
December 2024
Throughout the last few months, more and more people asked whether or not we’d planned to try for another one, or when we’d have another. Many said they’d suspect we’d be pregnant within the year. They’d say I was glowing, the time will be soon.
I looked back and reminded myself of the small signs I’d see – Valkyrie crouching over to look between her legs (if you know, you know), rainbows in the sky without a drop of rain, dreams of mine or others, and intuition. I knew my time for another was coming. Although I was upset for a time, I started to accept it for what it was. I’d be pregnant if and when. It’s okay to breathe. It’ll happen.
Even still, I made it a goal for 2025 to get into the healthiest version of myself – spirit, mind and body. This was for me, but also for the chance to conceive of course. Rather than focus on conceiving, though, I changed my mindset towards inner health. Let me start taking care of my body in ways I haven’t before and if we conceive, we conceive.
Also this month we learned of two new pregnancies in our families. While I used to get upset, especially earlier on when we started trying, not of others’ pregnancies of course, more so on that I wasn’t pregnant, I felt overjoyed.
January 2025
Something feels different. I got my period recently… then my breasts hurt afterwards. Could it be? This happened with my first pregnancy, but my breasts hurt worse before. Who knows? They probably just hurt. Then, I felt sick… like my first pregnancy. Maybe I’m sick because it’s that time of year. Oh boy, I’m feeling nauseous, as if the wind’s knocked out of me. It doesn’t feel right because it only comes in waves. Is it the weather? It’s been changing too often lately.
I know my period is approaching, but I should test. I have a strong feeling.
Two lines! Two lines! Again and again, on hCG tests and a pregnancy test. Could it really be? I don’t want to have my hopes up again, but it feels promising this time.
We purchased pregnancy tests, a digital one, and you won’t believe what comes next (laughs). I tested at Sam’s Club. I couldn’t wait until we got home because we were running errands. It was our second stop. I kept the pregnancy tests in my tote bag for when I needed to use the restroom.
“Pregnant”
I’m pregnant!! After so many tests, the one that has finally said pregnant, is here! We’re finally here! I can’t believe it…
I’m speechless. I feel grateful, blessed, heard, stunned, and excited. Something, or someone I’ve waited for, for so long, is here. All the experiences and challenges we’ve faced were worth it. All the changes we made were worth it. All for our baby. I cannot wait to meet you. I’ve waited for you for some time, I can wait a bit more.
“When You Wish Upon a Star” by Cliff Edwards
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true
