I wrote this when I was four months postpartum, almost a year ago. Today, I’m 15 months postpartum. A lot has changed since then, but I want to share how I felt. I think there’s a lot to be said. Therefore, I’ve kept what I’ve written without editing. I think there’s an appreciation for how raw this piece is and I’m thankful for how honest I was.
Like I mentioned before, a lot’s changed between the time I wrote this and now. My life’s different. I’m different, and in a better way. I’m incredibly thankful to be where I am today and to have received the support that I did. I’m doing a lot better and feel more like myself. This is a journey that I needed to go through to get to where I am today.
Valkyrie is and has been doing well too. All of what’s entailed in this piece is a part of me. It has nothing to do with Valkyrie, although being a mother is connected directly to her. She was my peace through all of this and held me together. Maybe one day she’ll read this and I’d love nothing more than to share my story with her.
Anything that I add from today will be in blue.
The start to my postpartum journey wasn’t what I expected and it was a blur. Everything was happening so fast and the days started to blend. I lost track of time and just about everything else. Nonetheless, I know it’s a time of discovery. There’s much to unfold like recovery, motherhood, and my relationships with the people in my life, as well as myself.
I feel like myself, but I don’t at the same time. Having a baby is amazing and it’s made me feel more whole. It makes me feel like myself. However, it doesn’t at the same time.
Before continuing, please understand that I love being a mother to my daughter. I’ll always be a mother and it’s my priority. I’m incredibly blessed and I appreciate my life. Not to mention, this is my experience four months postpartum. Every person’s story is different, and I’m speaking for myself.
In addition, I ask that you be kind. It’s not easy to share something incredibly personal to me. This has actually taken me months (a year) to write and there was this ongoing debate on whether I’d share it. I’m not looking for anything in return. I’m simply looking to share my thoughts and feelings as I know there are many others who feel or have felt the same as I do. Not only could I use the help, I’m sure others can too.
Is this all?
Lately I’ve been feeling like all there is to me is being a mother. I do the same things each day with little to no change. There’s nothing else besides taking care of my baby or our household that I do. Not to mention, being an attentive partner. Aside from all of that, I try to get to doing other things, like writing these blogs, but it seems so far down on the list. I’m already drained by the time that I can get to it. Sometimes I question whether it’s worth doing anymore.
It’s not so much about me being a mother, but me as a person outside of being a mother. Who was I before? Who am I now? It’s hard to answer those questions. I feel like my life’s changed completely, which has changed me completely. I’m navigating through this new experience of being a parent and trying to balance it all.
I try to give myself grace, but it hasn’t been easy. Not only did I give birth to my baby, I’ve birthed a mother too. I’m an entirely different version of myself and I’m still learning about this person that I’m becoming.
Who am I now? Gee. I think who I am will always change and there’s something new to learn all the time. During the past year, I learned what it really meant to be me. What’s part of me? Being a mom. I’m not any different than the person I was before having a child. I’m the same person. I’m just also a mom now. That means that the people I’ve surrounded myself around have changed. The ways in which I do things have changed. That doesn’t mean I’m not the same person as before.
I can remember feeling unhappy with myself and that’s when I decided to attend aesthetics school. I needed to get out of the house and interact with people. I needed time to do something for myself. I’m thankful I impulsively applied for school, because I started to feel parts of myself return.
Wants? What’s that?
Whatever it was that I wanted, I would strive to get it without hesitation. That isn’t the case here. What I want has changed. I had a plan for myself as well as for my family. I knew what I wanted while I was pregnant. Now that my baby’s here, I’m not sure anymore. There’s more to consider and it all seems blurry. I can’t just pick up and start my career. Will that make me a selfish mom?
This part’s more clear to me now, but it took a lot of inner work. I’m not a selfish mom for wanting what’s best for both myself and my family. It’s okay for me to pursue my dreams while being a mom. A lot of people told me that my life would be over once I had children. That affected me because it scared me. However, my life isn’t over. I’m barely scratching the surface!
Now I’m building onto myself and my life. I’m sure I felt this way because I didn’t expect to be a mom at this point in my life. I had just graduated college. I didn’t have a job. My plans for the future changed, because I had someone else to think about now. Nonetheless, what I want hasn’t changed. I’ve only changed how to get to where I want to be.
I can’t help but want more. I want to do more. The world is moving on. The people around me are changing. Me? Not exactly, or at least I don’t feel like it. I’d head to bed scared of doing the same thing the next day. There’s days where I wake up, without even moving yet, I cry. I simply hate doing the same thing each day, although I love why.
I thought I wasn’t changing, but I was. I was learning how to be a mom, how to balance the different hats I wear, how to manage life responsibilities, and so forth. I needed time to adjust and quite frankly, I wasn’t giving myself that time. I wasn’t allowing myself to see the changes. Now I’m a year from where I was and I love waking up everyday. I see and acknowledge the changes. I wish I appreciated that time more and was present with it rather than feel what I felt. I was too focused on the negatives.
One of my guests at the spa and I had a lovely conversation one day, which was coincidental. On my way to the spa that morning, I was thinking about how I felt months after giving birth. I told myself, “Take things with a grain of salt.” My guest said the same thing to me, which was bizarre. She described what she read in an article a few days prior.
A woman noticed that there were many Jeeps parked on her street. This continued for weeks, so she started to count Jeeps. One day she told her sister about it. Her sister hadn’t noticed. My guest explained to me that if I allowed and focused on negative comments, I’d continue to center my thoughts around them. That’s what I was doing when I let what people say affect me in regards to having a child and feeling as though I couldn’t pursue my dreams. So, if you think you can’t do something because of the naysayers, think about this story with the Jeeps.
Postpartum Anxiety
I didn’t know postpartum anxiety existed until I had it! I was only a few days postpartum when I discovered postpartum anxiety. I was worried about too many things, like leaving my baby in someone else’s care, if my baby was eating enough, how I’d be able to handle public situations, if I was producing enough breast milk, and more. I lost sleep because I’d either not sleep at all or continuously wake up in the middle of the night.
It didn’t help that I felt like a failure too. As much as I appreciated loved ones’ advice, I felt judged with everything I did. Am I feeding my baby enough? Why did I choose to breastfeed? Why am I holding my baby a certain way? Why is my baby dressed like this? It can be as horrible as someone’s silence. Even when there’s nothing being said, I can tell from someone’s stare that they have much to say. It’s like having someone constantly watching over my shoulder. These comments made my anxiety worse because I kept replaying those scenarios in my head. As confident as I was about why I did things, I questioned myself as much as others questioned me.
I didn’t feel like I was enough for others, although I knew I was enough for myself and my baby. I felt like I had to prove myself to these people that I was this flawless mom. I didn’t know why I let what others had to say or think affect me.
I can’t say I’ve completely stopped caring about what people have to say. However, it’s a work in progress and it’s not where it used to be. I care less now than I did before. When I was a stay-at-home-mom, and even now as I work, all I do is care for my daughter. When someone makes a comment as if I don’t care for my daughter, it hits the heart because it’s all I do. It’s hard to ignore people making direct jabs at my heart, but it’s getting easier.
Postpartum Rage
I had no idea what postpartum rage was either. I follow Karrie Locher on Instagram and one of her story highlights is all about postpartum rage. You should give her a follow! Karrie has tons of advice on topics relating to postpartum as well as breastfeeding.
In one of her story posts, she talks about triggers to rage. I thought about what triggered me to get worked up. I realized I got triggered by the smallest things that’d make me feel overwhelmed or over stimulated. It was as small as dropping a burp cloth or bottle, while trying to do other things. I was dropping everything while pregnant and again postpartum, so I was mad about always having to pick something up. It was one more thing for me to do. Another trigger was people around me. I was bothered by how they influenced me because of something they did or said. Even if they did absolutely nothing, that bothered me… Because they weren’t doing anything! I’d get overwhelmed about having to cook, clean, set up sleeping arrangements, keep guests company, pump breast milk, and care for my baby.
Although some of it has passed, I wish I knew more about it in the beginning. I didn’t know if what I was feeling was normal. The only thing I did that helped was think positively and talk about it with loved ones. If I got triggered or overwhelmed, I’d stop what I was doing, take a deep breath and think about something positive. If someone was with me, I’d ask for help on the tasks I was doing and take a break.
Wow, was I mad all the time (nervous laugh)! I really wish this was something I knew beforehand. I would’ve prepared myself, or at least I hope any preparation would’ve helped. Postpartum rage lingered on for a few more months after writing this. I’m happy to say it’s over now! It really affected how I felt throughout the day and honestly, my relationship with my partner and others.
Making Decisions and Standing My Ground
Before having a child, I had a hard time making decisions. Some things were either very clear to me, or they weren’t. If they weren’t, I’d spend lots of time trying to decide. However, that changed when I got pregnant. I got quicker at making decisions because I didn’t have the time to think about things for a long time. Not to mention, sometimes I didn’t even care enough to make decisions. I went with the flow. Now that Valkyrie’s here, making decisions has been easy. I don’t choose between things anymore, because I already know what it is that I want. I stand with my thoughts and beliefs.
My strength to stand my ground was challenged quite a lot these past four months, especially with breastfeeding, which you can read about here. Referring back to what I mentioned previously, I felt like a failure to people that had so much say about how I should raise my daughter. I knew I had to be confident in myself and what I chose. I stand my ground by creating boundaries for myself, my daughter and my family. I sternly say what it is that I want for my daughter. It’s either repeated or the other individual will have to give up. I started to feel better about myself and found this sense of self-confidence that I didn’t know I had.
I still get judged for how I raise Valkyrie and I try to see it from the perspective that they do it out of love. However, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. I care for Valkyrie and I try my best. It hurts when it seems like all I do, care for Valkyrie, isn’t enough. Sometimes it’d be nice to be appreciated rather than judged.
This isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate the people in my life, advice or suggestions. I appreciate them all. Nonetheless, it can be overwhelming when these advice or suggestions become expectations that I simply can’t fulfill.
Being a Stay-at-home Mom
I never imagined that I’d be a stay-at-home mom. I always thought I’d work after having a baby. On the other hand, I didn’t give much thought to lifestyle changes after having a baby, until I was pregnant.
Since I’m home all day, almost everyday, people don’t think that I do much. Not to mention, people think I have a lot of time. However, that couldn’t be more wrong. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t doing anything. I feel like I’m constantly trying to get things done. It can be tiring to be in this “on the go” mindset, always thinking about the next thing I have to get done.
I don’t think people consider what it is that I actually do during the day. It’s work to raise a child and I’m not saying that negatively. I enjoy it, but it does take a lot of time which people don’t see. I do activities with my daughter like reading, stretching, tummy time, walks, feeds, and more.
In addition, I take care of the household responsibilities. I prepare meals everyday, take out the trash and recycle, do the laundry, go grocery shopping or run errands, constantly clean, and get ready for the next day. So no, I don’t just stay home and do nothing.
Here’s another perspective. Caregivers would get paid to do what I do if I worked a day job. It’s very normal for a parent to stay home and care for their child. Therefore, I don’t understand why people get confused with what I do on a daily basis or act like I don’t do anything all day.
I consider myself lucky to be home with my daughter. This is a precious time. She needs me, and I need her. We balance each other. 18 years from now, I don’t want to look back and wish I had more time with my daughter during her first few months. I was here. I am here.
Far from Family
I knew being distant from family would be difficult, but I didn’t expect it to be this challenging. We don’t have any help babysitting, unless it’s planned several weeks in advance, which we’re incredibly thankful for any amount of time we have with loved ones.
Traveling to visit family isn’t easy either. If you’ve traveled with a baby, especially one that’s breastfed, then you understand! Not to mention, my daughter can’t stick to a consistent sleeping schedule since we travel quite often. That makes some days tough.
As I see how quickly time passes while Valkyrie grows, I feel sad that she doesn’t get to see family as often as I had growing up. Our families hardly see her, or still haven’t met her! It took a bit of getting used to, but sometimes I wish we were closer.
I think if we were closer to family, I would’ve had a better postpartum experience. I would’ve received the help I needed, like having time to myself or having someone nearby that I could spend time with. Although I love sharing videos and photos of Valkyrie, or video chatting with family, it’s not the same as being with them in person.
Breastfeeding Journey Thus Far
Navigating through this particular experience has been a wild ride! You can read more about the start to my breastfeeding journey here and how I felt about it.
I feel like the majority of my time is committed to pumping breast milk. I pump, store the milk, clean the pump parts, then suddenly turn around to pump again! It’s an ongoing cycle that I haven’t quite figured out yet.
Since we travel often, it’s a pain to bring all the supplies we need with us. Then, finding time and space to pump is something else to consider. Although I love doing it, there are some pump sessions I wish I could skip.
Choosing to breastfeed is not for the weak! If I were to do it all over again, I would, and I would love to with future children. Now that I know what to expect, understand my body, and how to go about breastfeeding, I think I can do a much smoother job.
After I’d written this, I discovered how to make the breastfeeding journey easier (thank goodness). There were so many ways I changed how I went about pumping, cleaning and storing. Then, just as I was getting comfortable with breastfeeding, I stopped. I couldn’t dedicate the time to it anymore, because of school. I wanted to use that time to focus on studying and to spend time with Valkyrie, which I’m glad I did!
My partner, Shiina
By now, you’re probably wondering where my partner, Shiina, is in all of this (laughs). He’s been by my side through it all! I don’t mention him in the earlier segments because this one’s specifically for him.
It seems like I did all the caring for Valkyrie and our household. A big part of that is because while I did this, Shiina worked. That isn’t to say he didn’t help or that he shouldn’t. He helped us in more ways that I gave him credit for.
Although Shiina worked all day, he’d care for Valkyrie throughout the night. Whenever I needed a break, he was always willing to lend a helping hand. Shiina helped to care for our home as well, which he’s always done since we’ve been together. However, these things he did by himself for a time. He’d grocery shop, cook, take care of the trash/recycles, do the laundry and the dishes.
When we became adjusted to our new lifestyles, we shared these tasks and more. Then, it slightly changed once we hit six months. That’s when I started aesthetics school. Shiina took care of Valkyrie during the day until I got home, which is when he’d work. We continued to share household responsibilities.
Shiina has been present with me since the beginning and he took care of me. He listened to me whenever I expressed myself. He gave me the space I needed to mentally and physically heal. As much as I felt everything I described above, I’m sure he’s felt something too throughout this journey. Yet, he’s been so strong to hold it together and still be present for us. I’m forever grateful for him.
Who you choose to go through life with is incredibly important and I’m glad we’ve chosen each other. The ups and downs we’ve faced isn’t something I want with anyone else. I don’t want this life with anyone else and I’m thankful.
Recap
Adapting to my lifestyle as a new parent was challenging and I felt lost as a person. I experienced anxiety, guilt, shame, rage, and depression in such a short amount of time. Although I had my partner and our daughter, there were times when I felt alone. I didn’t have other family or friends to physically turn to. Breastfeeding also impacted my everyday life. While this journey has shifted quite a lot, I’m happy to feel like I’m finally healing.
It’s taken me a year to write this blog because every time I read what I originally wrote, how I felt then came rushing back. In addition, I didn’t know how to describe how I felt. There aren’t enough words to truly detail what I had gone through, but I’m really glad I waited until now. Now I can read this piece, out loud even, and feel a sense of peace.
Every person experiences postpartum differently and I believe it’s different with each birth. This is my story, or at least half of it. There are really great moments too, which I’ll likely share soon. This piece focuses on my postpartum difficulties at four months.
Thank you for reading my story and for giving me space to share. Most importantly, thank you to the individuals in my life who made each day easier for me by simply being present with me.
