I don’t have a brother, biologically at least, as I consider my cousins and in-laws my brothers. This has always been a difficult topic for me to discuss and I’ve been thinking of it as of late. Therefore, I decided to write this letter.
I wish you were here.
Maybe if you were here, then things would’ve been easier for mom and dad. People would stop questioning why our parents stopped having children. They’d stop guessing whether or not our parents tried. They did. They tried, and the worst thing people can do is bring it up as time passes.
I wouldn’t have to deal with people doubting my chances of having a son, as if this has anything to do with it anyway. I’m only on child #1 and people seem to have had expectations that my first child could’ve been a boy, or that our future children will only be girls. We consider ourselves blessed to have our daughter, and any children we may have in the future, regardless of sex.
Maybe if you were here, I would’ve felt like I was enough. It wasn’t until later that I did because I realized that I wouldn’t be. However, if you were here, I wouldn’t have felt that way to begin with. You not being here made it hard for us all. No one can fill the void that only you can. We weren’t born a boy.
We can’t sit at the table that only men sit at. We can’t help our dad in the way sons can. We can’t join our dad in some of the adventures he has. He did it all by himself, and I can’t blame him for secretly wanting a son all these years. Nor can I blame our mom, because I remember the look on her face when someone would tell her to keep trying for a son. Now that face seems all too familiar on me.
I wish you were here to meet your niece and shake your brother-in-law’s hand. I wish I had someone like you to go to during times of hardship or when I had my first heartbreak.
But you’re not here.
That doesn’t make my life less and I appreciate everyone in my life. However, I wish you were here. I wish we could enjoy this life together, but as they say, maybe in another lifetime.
Maybe in another lifetime you can be my brother. We can do things that all people can, like sit at the table that everyone sits at. We can help our parents in the way that all children can. We can join our parents on adventures that they have, so that they wouldn’t have to do it all on their own.
The only thing I’d wish for is for the next time I’d get to see you, where you’d meet your niece and shake your brother-in-law’s hand, and we’d talk about hardships and heartbreaks.
