I saw old male friends from high school recently and it left me with mixed feelings. Although I was happy to see them, especially years after graduation, I was uncomfortable. Why? Continue reading.
There were great memories with these old friends. We had mutual friends, and we’d all get together often. We’d meet at the beach and play volleyball. We’d get together for birthdays and even party together (sorry mom and dad. 😅) However, there were not so many great memories that left a mark.
High school was a blur since it was years ago, but when I saw these old friends, how I felt then came rushing back. One of the biggest points I can remember is not feeling pretty. These friends always wanted to be with not just one, or two, but several of my girl friends. I often found myself in the middle between these relationships too. I wasn’t jealous, but I’d ask myself, “Am I not pretty?” Then, one of these friends answered that question, which is funny now considering he’s the only one who spoke to me when we reconnected.
What I was talking about then had nothing to do with me or my looks. His response to what I said and his reaction to what he said stuck with me for a long time afterwards. I felt hurt and embarrassed. Despite that, I knew that what happened had more to do with his reflection than mine.
When I saw the person who directly told me I wasn’t pretty, with his friends that laughed along, I was uncomfortable because I was with my family. My family, who makes me feel beautiful and loved in all ways. I became protective. I didn’t want those who made me feel ugly and vulnerable to be anywhere near individuals I hold dear.
While writing this piece, I was stumped. I didn’t know what to add or how else to express my thoughts. Therefore, I gave it a break. Then, on my way to the spa this morning, I listened to Asian Boss Girl’s How to Own Your Insecurities hosted by Melody Cheng, Helen Wu-Wang and Janet Wang. If you listen to this podcast, you’ll notice some similarities to my post.
How Mel described her experience being categorized as the nice friend, rather than the one men chased after is exactly how I felt in high school. I relate to what Janet and Helen spoke about too in regards to speaking concisely, perfectionism, and translating my feelings. When I talk to others, whether it’s at the spa, at home, or elsewhere, I second guess myself and sometimes find that I’m all over the place (like a lot of these blogs).
Nevertheless, I know my confidence and inner work is continuously improving as long as I keep at it. It was when I was pregnant that I truly stopped caring for what people thought of my looks. Being comfortable during pregnancy was hard enough! All I wore were sweats, big shirts and hoodies. Was anyone else pregnant throughout the fall and winter (laughs)? ABG’s podcast was such a significant refresher and I think you’ll enjoy it too! Give it a listen.
The original thought behind this piece revolved around my reflection and my daughter’s. People say we look a lot alike. I can’t deny that. She’s literally my carbon copy (laughs)! I wanted to discuss that the physical features I used to be insecure of are the same features of my daughter. In a sense, this was supposed to be a letter to my daughter. That thought evolved after seeing old high school friends and listening to ABG’s podcast. I wanted to add that one’s reflection goes past looks. It’s who they are inside and out.
To my daughter,
You’ve changed the way I feel about myself. When I was pregnant with you, I loved myself in ways I hadn’t before, in ways I didn’t think were possible. I appreciate my body for being able to create and carry you. What a beautiful miracle it was, and I thank the heavens for you.
Each day you remind me how simple life is and how much kinder I should be to myself. You continue to teach me about self-love and well, love overall. You are the most amazing love I know, and I hope you love yourself just as much as you’ve taught me to love myself.
I pray that you know and feel that you’re nothing short of perfect. You’re meant to be who you are, however that is. You’ll learn, grow, and evolve as time passes. However, you’ll be just as amazing wherever you are, however you are.
You don’t need anyone’s, male or female, validation on your looks, your characteristics, your knowledge, or anything else. All you need is yours. I know it will be tough to feel as though you need to fit inside these boxes that society sets. Nevertheless, I anticipate that you’ll create your own boxes and leave one side of it open to welcome changes.
I hope you find someone like your dad, who loves me regardless of my flaws, and beyond my physical features. He loves the nose that I was so insecure of, the one you have too. He loves my uneven lips (if you look closely enough), the same as yours. He loves me for me. I wish you the same love and dare I say it, a greater love.
Don’t forget that your reflection is who you are and it goes beyond the person in the mirror.
