It wasn’t until two years after marriage when I fully understood what it meant to “ua siab ntev.” I don’t think it’s meaning will stop here, however, read what it means to me today.
Ua Siab Ntev
When I got married three years ago, there were a lot of older women, all married, who would tell me to “ua siab ntev.” They’d talk in depth about how whatever my partner and I face in the future, we should listen to each other, help each other and have patience for each other.
The phrase itself means to be patient or have patience. This phrase means something different to everyone. This is what it means to me.
I used to consider this phrase as one that married couples should remember during arguments or differences. I thought it meant to have patience for one another only during those times. However, that’s not true. It goes beyond that. Arguments and/or differences happen in relationships, sure. Nevertheless, there are good things too, which I’ll get to later.
I didn’t believe in this phrase because I associated it with being “stuck” in a relationship during difficulties. My mindset then was that if I wanted to leave a relationship or if I wasn’t happy anymore, then I’d remove myself from it. Quite frankly, I didn’t understand yet what it meant to be in a committed relationship.
What I didn’t expect was to think about this phrase during every other hardship, such as finances, growing a family, housing, career shifts, education, and more. I only thought of this phrase negatively regarding personality differences. Mainly, I thought to myself, “Of course, I’ll have patience, but only so much of it.”
The Tough Part
Now, three years after tying the knot, we have a daughter. This is when I truly understood what this phrase meant. I wasn’t working, so I couldn’t contribute to bills. I wasn’t happy (with myself), so I was always negative, thus impacting our intimate relationship. I wasn’t always in agreement with my partner over parenting tactics. The list goes on. I didn’t feel like myself, so what I could give was hardly ever 50%.
When I was pregnant, I’d often tell my partner, “You’re not pregnant, so you don’t know how I’m feeling.” I didn’t think Shiina understood the symptoms I was experiencing just because he wasn’t pregnant. He can’t be pregnant, so why did I blame that? How could I, right? Even then, he listened to every complaint I had and did his best to comfort me.
What I didn’t recognize was everything he was experiencing by himself. He was paying the bills by himself. He was doing the chores on his own, where he could do a lot of the heavy lifting. He didn’t complain. He took care of both of our cars, as well as took care of me, and our child. Shiina had patience for the both of us. I didn’t. I was focused on what I was going through, thinking it was an independent battle.
Relationships are hardly 50/50. However, the goal should always be 100. Sometimes one has to put in more than the other when the other can’t. We learned that greatly during pregnancy, and the first year of parenthood. Once this hurdle seemed to have settled and I felt like myself again, I finally understood Shiina. I recognized him and his hardships too. Of course, there were lots of communication that had to be had throughout this duration.
I was reminded of the phrase, “Ua Siab Ntev.” I needed to have patience for my partner with his parenting tactics, with his career, with his own journey of becoming a parent, and more. As much as I was going through my own thing, he was too. Not to mention, we were still navigating being a married couple, parents at that. I also had to give our relationship time and grace. We were starting new lives together, with a new life on the way, our daughter.
The Good Part
Having patience for one another has led us to an entirely different level of our relationship. We’ve improved our communication, which I didn’t know could’ve been better… Or feel that it could’ve been better while we were in the heat of those moments. We know what to expect of each other and how to best communicate so that we each understand one another.
This plays an important role in just about everything else, as I mentioned earlier; with finances, with growing a family, housing, career shifts, education, and more. This is the good part. We see each other eye to eye or try to meet each other halfway. We work together to get through what it is we’re experiencing, as a couple or as individuals.
While it wasn’t easy to have patience… It was honestly like practicing patience to have patience (laughs). We happily made it to the other side. We’ve grown, as individuals and as partners. We’ve become the best versions of ourselves, for ourselves and for each other.
Now I view this phrase, “Ua Siab Ntev,” through a positive lens. Because we had patience with each other, we learned more about each other. Because we had patience for ourselves, we learned what we’re capable of. Because we continue to practice patience with one another, we grow together. This is what we meant when we chose to marry and I wouldn’t want it with anyone else.
